Friday, June 28, 2013


Well I got my first hug today. I'm not sure if a hug's all I want or not. I keep waiting for thing's to pan out but when it really comes down to it I have a choice to make. Stay in my relationship and continue dragging on like I have been or be single again; and see where it takes me. I feel like a little hellion not quite ready to decide what I want for the rest of my life. I suppose I need to sit down and talk with my boyfriend about all of this. Maybe we can part as friends, maybe we'll work something out; but I'm pretty sure I want to be alone for a while.  

I think I have just gotten to a point in life where I want to live, I want to have fun, enjoy life. I don't like playing mom to the person I am dating. Always struggling with bills, Not getting any help and when I do its an argument. House work is more than a chore unless I'm the only one doing it. I just am so far gone I guess..... Kinda like that song "Don't be falling in love as she's walking away"...... Well here goes to finding out where my relationship stands. Time to actually talk to the boyfriend...... 


Well I suppose It's about time I figure out what I want right now. Not the long haul but right now.....   Thing's with the boyfriend don't seem to be making any headway one way or another. It's like we are dead locked in the land of nothing. I know this is wrong, I have been here before and it never turns out good. There is just so much I want to do, It as if I will never get to do any of it if I stay at this point in life. If we are talking long run that still wouldn't work out in either of our favors. I think I want a child some day, and want to get married but I was told that there is no way in hell he is ever getting married or having a child. I'm just so lost on what to do, and it's not like anyone will steer me in the right direction unless they get something out of it.

I'm not sure my relationship is going to last much longer, I think It's pretty much over. We just need to admit it to one another. I have a mystery man I've been talking to.... saying any more than that would give it all away. He's a great friend, and is actually grown up; he does not act like a child or expect that someone will pay all his bills for him. I hope that I can hang out with him soon outside of where we know each other from. I feel so happy when ever I'm texting him or when ever I do get the chance to see him. 

I suppose I am going to let this weekend play out, see how things go and go from there. I know if anything happens between my boyfriend and I; I will be upset but I need to start thinking for me again. I'm tired of trying to make sure he has all he wants, and is happy and not getting the same in return. 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Slowly falling apart.

Well my ex just gave me some new's I'm not sure how I want to take. His divorce will be finalized next Wednesday. Yes this is the ex that want's to get back with me. I still miss him. But I'm not quite sure how to take this information, I mean I have a boyfriend and I love him. I just feel like our relationship is heading south. We don't really spend time together unless we are arguing; and when we are not arguing we are watching tv not paying any attention to one another. It's like we have both given up.... If this is how it is going to be there really is no point in being in a relationship. I love him but sometimes love just isn't enough. I honestly think I don't give myself enough time being single. 

My boyfriend has been out of work for over 2 months, but just recently started working again. It's been a few weeks and I still haven't gotten any help with bills. I mean it was fine when he was out of work but now there is no excuse. Things are hard right now, I mean the tv just got shut off because the bill hasn't been paid in 2 months. I'm honestly thinking of disconnecting it. Things have just been off lately and I am not liking it at all. 

It's bad, I have been talking to a guy from work threw txt the last couple day's and I have been so upbeat and overjoyed. It's like I'm 100% happy again.... and all I can think is shouldn't this be how I feel with my boyfriend? Isn't that how he's suppose to make me feel? My thought process has completely gone to hell. It's just nice having a friend to talk to about nothing specific, joke around, maybe flirt a little. I know its wrong but it makes me feel happy. Does that make me a terrible person?  This song "cant get you out of my head" just came on and sad enough my boyfriend was no the guy that came to mind. 

I have so much I want in life and want to do and I feel as though men are the reason I'm not doing any of it. Some thing's you need a man for but Those are things for later in life. I mean I am only 22. Well it's almost break time so I think I'm going to stop blabbering for now and go get some fresh air and see how that treats me.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


So I've come to the conclusion I cannot just leave this topic be anymore, all this bullshit running threw my head is really starting to annoy me. So the topic is men... yes that's right men, not a man but men. 

Now I'm pretty sure that I have a problem but I'm also sure that it derived from my childhood years. It's quite simple actually.... I like men, they make me happy. Now I'm not just talking any man can walk up and say hey and we're best friends. No... they need to be a country boy. As of lately I feel like my goal right now is to befriend as many country boy's as possible. I'm not even sure why.... I have a boyfriend, I love him and we are great together.... Sometimes. I think really all I am looking for right now is to have that amazing summer.... Like I did a few years ago. 

The summer when I was 20 was the best summer of my life hand's down. No my boyfriend did not play a huge part in that summer. Believe it or not my ex did. He is 43! yes I said 43. When I was 20 he had just turned 41. We were a great match, we always had fun together and we were always doing something different; and his jeep oh how I would have done anything to ride around in it. The 4th of July with him was magical... I don't think any other man will ever compare to that 4th of July. Just the two of us up on Hawk mountain, in his jeep, with the top off.... just enjoying each other's company and watching the sun set before the fireworks began. It was Beautiful. This is also the man who picked out my first tattoo and to this day I still love it. Tough I do want to get it touched up. We started hanging out before my 20th birthday and he definitely gave me a birthday I will never forget. I'm not going to lie seeing him every day and not being with him is a little hard. He's still so awesome! I bet you are wondering why I see him every day.... well the answer is simple. We work at the same place. Yes that make's things kind of tough. He is still trying to get me back and I'm afraid he's slowly reeling me back in. No you're probably confused. I act as if I want him back and he does want me back. Well I am loyal, I have a boyfriend and I don't like to screw with relationship's I'm in. I left him for my current boyfriend because thing's were just getting messy. I was never really around anymore and I'm not sure he was ready for a relationship. He sure seems like he is no though.

So saying all that it's kinda a funny story how I got to be with my current boyfriend. I was still with my ex when we started hanging out.... The story I tell everyone is he show'd up one day and never left but that is far from what happened. I was renting from his father and he came to get the rest of the stuff out of the trailer that I was renting.... Be brought a JEEP.... yes a jeep to pick up his things.... now jeep's don't have much room in case you don't know that. My ex showed up and it was just plain awkward! We started texting and flirting a bit then he started coming over after he got out of work and hanging out even if it was only for a few minutes. It was crazy how bad he wanted me.... and I liked it. After the last time my ex ditched me I decided I had enough and broke it off. Not that it was anything according to the ex. My current boyfriend has lived with me since the day we started dating... I know that's strange and looking back I wish we had started dating before living together. But we are still together, things are a bit rocky right now but I'm sure they will work themselves out. Though I decided I want to get married one day and he said there is no way in hell he is ever getting married which just push's me away.

Lately I've been texting some other country boys..... (my boyfriend is far from a country boy) I feel like the conversations are getting a little flirty and I'm not sure where this is headed. I'm so lost in my own world I'm not sure I'm acknowledging reality half the time..... well that's all for now.

Just plain nonsense

Well some of you may be wondering where I have gone to... Well I've had and eventful few days. Friday when I got out of work me and the boyfriend just drove around town for a bit and Enjoyed each other's company. Then Saturday of course I went to work as that was the day inventory at work officially started. My goal for the day was to get one of the smaller warehouses done. I actually got it done in no time at all, although I thought it was going to take forever. Sunday we had a day just to ourselves, we lounged around the house trying to avoid the heat. It was actually quite nice. This weekend will be different though, and I cannot wait. 

Our camper is still over at my boyfriend's mom's house, so every other weekend we head over there and camp out for the weekend. I cannot wait this weekend because his uncle might be bringing his camper and joining us. It will be fun to have us all there hanging out, grilling food and having a good time. Friday night we are all hopefully headed to the race track so I can see my secrete lover Kurt race... (he isn't really my secrete lover I just like to believe hi is sometimes.) When the race's are over we will have probably spent all our money for the week and then we will head for the camper. I'm hoping people aren't to tired so we can start a small fire and hang around it for a while. Saturday I'm very hopeful that My boyfriend's mom, uncle, and I can all go thrift shopping. My boyfriend's mom will take her brother, and keeps saying she'll take me..... it just hasn't happened yet. So I figure the three of us she might go for it. Saturday night is going to be the best though. We're going to the dance in town and I'll be busting out the moves. (no matter how bad they are haha) Speaking of the dance I need to e-mail some people and see if they want to go. 

I have some gibberish I'd like to get into involving the topic of men but I think that may be better off saved for some other time. 

Friday, June 21, 2013

Just plain Bullshit!

Well it's Friday.... Friday's are suppose to be good aren't they? Or am I missing something.

I woke up about 4 am... right there that's enough to tell you why type of day you're going to have. Upon getting out of bed I stepped on a staple.... which yes went into my foot and fucking hurt! Immediately I knew today had gone to hell.... At this point I'm not even sure why I bothered getting out of bed. 

I got up and went to my gram's like every morning to visit, shower, then head to work. Everything was going fine until I got into the shower, then I started thinking.... and thinking gets me in trouble. I feel as if my boyfriend no longer has interest in my and normally I would just shove it off but for some dumb ass reason I listened to the doctors when they said I need to start showing my emotion..... Well the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks and I fucking hate it!!!! This emotion's shit is not for me. I feel like dying after telling him that since he want's to do what he want's when he want's and not care if we have plans or not he should move out. Maybe being somewhere else will make him realize what he has. It's just so hard trying to be with someone when they have other things on their mind. I'm really quite over it now.... it has gone on long enough that soon I just wont care at all. I plan on going back to me... not this emotional piece of shit I have become. I am a firm believer there is no point in emotions... they get you nowhere. You want to cry go fucking cry its not going to help or change anything.... it just makes you a fucking baby. 

Right now I'm not sure where my relationship stands or weather I will even have a boyfriend when I get home. I will always have my dog, he truly is man's best friend... in this case woman's. 

I thought about grabbing some worms and just taking off into the woods on my way to work this morning. Drown some worms and let go of my frustrations ... But a 12 hour shift is hard to pass up.... extra money is always helpful. I am at work now and wondering what the hell to do with myself. I already feel myself becoming cold and tuned out again, I guess that's really who I need to be to survive in this world. My family if you can call them that fucking sucks.... go figure I have no support team. My relationship is in shambles, and everything just keeps piling on like I'm the dump site for stupid shit. 

All n all I think I am just done. Done with trying, done being helpful, done being everyone's go to person.... just fucking DONE!

Hope you all have a better day than I'm going to....

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Obnoxious pet peeve

So I have what some people think is an odd pet peeve but truly lots of people have this particular one. HEAVY BREATHERS! I personally cannot stand to even be in the same room as a heavy breather. Now I'm not entirely sure where this came from but I know it bugs the shit out of me. If I can hear your breathing you are either to close or you've go some type of breathing problem. I don't want to hear someone else breath. Hell I don't even want to hear myself breath, which by the way I don't.... I happen to be a very quite breather. I truly think there is no quicker way to piss me of then to breath heavy while in the same general area of me. At work we recently hired this high- schooler and he happen's to be one of the loudest breather's I know... and go figure I am the one he is to answer to. Boy I think this was a co-worker relation made in HELL! For a while there he was not coming to work due to school and finals which was quite delightful. I did not know when he would return but today..... my last day before inventory hell he show's up. He cannot just sit over on the other side of the building and do what I asked him to... no he has to come over about every ten minutes and drive me just a little more bat shit crazy. 

The other day at home my boyfriend was doing this whole breath heavy thing thinking it would be funny to get a reaction out of me.... boy he did not know what he had coming. Needless to say I'm not sure he will be doing that again anytime soon. Its just ungodly annoying. If you have a pet peeve feel free to share it...... rant over!