Friday, June 28, 2013
I think I have just gotten to a point in life where I want to live, I want to have fun, enjoy life. I don't like playing mom to the person I am dating. Always struggling with bills, Not getting any help and when I do its an argument. House work is more than a chore unless I'm the only one doing it. I just am so far gone I guess..... Kinda like that song "Don't be falling in love as she's walking away"...... Well here goes to finding out where my relationship stands. Time to actually talk to the boyfriend......
I'm not sure my relationship is going to last much longer, I think It's pretty much over. We just need to admit it to one another. I have a mystery man I've been talking to.... saying any more than that would give it all away. He's a great friend, and is actually grown up; he does not act like a child or expect that someone will pay all his bills for him. I hope that I can hang out with him soon outside of where we know each other from. I feel so happy when ever I'm texting him or when ever I do get the chance to see him.
I suppose I am going to let this weekend play out, see how things go and go from there. I know if anything happens between my boyfriend and I; I will be upset but I need to start thinking for me again. I'm tired of trying to make sure he has all he wants, and is happy and not getting the same in return.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
My boyfriend has been out of work for over 2 months, but just recently started working again. It's been a few weeks and I still haven't gotten any help with bills. I mean it was fine when he was out of work but now there is no excuse. Things are hard right now, I mean the tv just got shut off because the bill hasn't been paid in 2 months. I'm honestly thinking of disconnecting it. Things have just been off lately and I am not liking it at all.
It's bad, I have been talking to a guy from work threw txt the last couple day's and I have been so upbeat and overjoyed. It's like I'm 100% happy again.... and all I can think is shouldn't this be how I feel with my boyfriend? Isn't that how he's suppose to make me feel? My thought process has completely gone to hell. It's just nice having a friend to talk to about nothing specific, joke around, maybe flirt a little. I know its wrong but it makes me feel happy. Does that make me a terrible person? This song "cant get you out of my head" just came on and sad enough my boyfriend was no the guy that came to mind.
I have so much I want in life and want to do and I feel as though men are the reason I'm not doing any of it. Some thing's you need a man for but Those are things for later in life. I mean I am only 22. Well it's almost break time so I think I'm going to stop blabbering for now and go get some fresh air and see how that treats me.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Now I'm pretty sure that I have a problem but I'm also sure that it derived from my childhood years. It's quite simple actually.... I like men, they make me happy. Now I'm not just talking any man can walk up and say hey and we're best friends. No... they need to be a country boy. As of lately I feel like my goal right now is to befriend as many country boy's as possible. I'm not even sure why.... I have a boyfriend, I love him and we are great together.... Sometimes. I think really all I am looking for right now is to have that amazing summer.... Like I did a few years ago.
The summer when I was 20 was the best summer of my life hand's down. No my boyfriend did not play a huge part in that summer. Believe it or not my ex did. He is 43! yes I said 43. When I was 20 he had just turned 41. We were a great match, we always had fun together and we were always doing something different; and his jeep oh how I would have done anything to ride around in it. The 4th of July with him was magical... I don't think any other man will ever compare to that 4th of July. Just the two of us up on Hawk mountain, in his jeep, with the top off.... just enjoying each other's company and watching the sun set before the fireworks began. It was Beautiful. This is also the man who picked out my first tattoo and to this day I still love it. Tough I do want to get it touched up. We started hanging out before my 20th birthday and he definitely gave me a birthday I will never forget. I'm not going to lie seeing him every day and not being with him is a little hard. He's still so awesome! I bet you are wondering why I see him every day.... well the answer is simple. We work at the same place. Yes that make's things kind of tough. He is still trying to get me back and I'm afraid he's slowly reeling me back in. No you're probably confused. I act as if I want him back and he does want me back. Well I am loyal, I have a boyfriend and I don't like to screw with relationship's I'm in. I left him for my current boyfriend because thing's were just getting messy. I was never really around anymore and I'm not sure he was ready for a relationship. He sure seems like he is no though.
So saying all that it's kinda a funny story how I got to be with my current boyfriend. I was still with my ex when we started hanging out.... The story I tell everyone is he show'd up one day and never left but that is far from what happened. I was renting from his father and he came to get the rest of the stuff out of the trailer that I was renting.... Be brought a JEEP.... yes a jeep to pick up his things.... now jeep's don't have much room in case you don't know that. My ex showed up and it was just plain awkward! We started texting and flirting a bit then he started coming over after he got out of work and hanging out even if it was only for a few minutes. It was crazy how bad he wanted me.... and I liked it. After the last time my ex ditched me I decided I had enough and broke it off. Not that it was anything according to the ex. My current boyfriend has lived with me since the day we started dating... I know that's strange and looking back I wish we had started dating before living together. But we are still together, things are a bit rocky right now but I'm sure they will work themselves out. Though I decided I want to get married one day and he said there is no way in hell he is ever getting married which just push's me away.
Lately I've been texting some other country boys..... (my boyfriend is far from a country boy) I feel like the conversations are getting a little flirty and I'm not sure where this is headed. I'm so lost in my own world I'm not sure I'm acknowledging reality half the time..... well that's all for now.
Our camper is still over at my boyfriend's mom's house, so every other weekend we head over there and camp out for the weekend. I cannot wait this weekend because his uncle might be bringing his camper and joining us. It will be fun to have us all there hanging out, grilling food and having a good time. Friday night we are all hopefully headed to the race track so I can see my secrete lover Kurt race... (he isn't really my secrete lover I just like to believe hi is sometimes.) When the race's are over we will have probably spent all our money for the week and then we will head for the camper. I'm hoping people aren't to tired so we can start a small fire and hang around it for a while. Saturday I'm very hopeful that My boyfriend's mom, uncle, and I can all go thrift shopping. My boyfriend's mom will take her brother, and keeps saying she'll take me..... it just hasn't happened yet. So I figure the three of us she might go for it. Saturday night is going to be the best though. We're going to the dance in town and I'll be busting out the moves. (no matter how bad they are haha) Speaking of the dance I need to e-mail some people and see if they want to go.
I have some gibberish I'd like to get into involving the topic of men but I think that may be better off saved for some other time.
Friday, June 21, 2013
I woke up about 4 am... right there that's enough to tell you why type of day you're going to have. Upon getting out of bed I stepped on a staple.... which yes went into my foot and fucking hurt! Immediately I knew today had gone to hell.... At this point I'm not even sure why I bothered getting out of bed.
I got up and went to my gram's like every morning to visit, shower, then head to work. Everything was going fine until I got into the shower, then I started thinking.... and thinking gets me in trouble. I feel as if my boyfriend no longer has interest in my and normally I would just shove it off but for some dumb ass reason I listened to the doctors when they said I need to start showing my emotion..... Well the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks and I fucking hate it!!!! This emotion's shit is not for me. I feel like dying after telling him that since he want's to do what he want's when he want's and not care if we have plans or not he should move out. Maybe being somewhere else will make him realize what he has. It's just so hard trying to be with someone when they have other things on their mind. I'm really quite over it now.... it has gone on long enough that soon I just wont care at all. I plan on going back to me... not this emotional piece of shit I have become. I am a firm believer there is no point in emotions... they get you nowhere. You want to cry go fucking cry its not going to help or change anything.... it just makes you a fucking baby.
Right now I'm not sure where my relationship stands or weather I will even have a boyfriend when I get home. I will always have my dog, he truly is man's best friend... in this case woman's.
I thought about grabbing some worms and just taking off into the woods on my way to work this morning. Drown some worms and let go of my frustrations ... But a 12 hour shift is hard to pass up.... extra money is always helpful. I am at work now and wondering what the hell to do with myself. I already feel myself becoming cold and tuned out again, I guess that's really who I need to be to survive in this world. My family if you can call them that fucking sucks.... go figure I have no support team. My relationship is in shambles, and everything just keeps piling on like I'm the dump site for stupid shit.
All n all I think I am just done. Done with trying, done being helpful, done being everyone's go to person.... just fucking DONE!
Hope you all have a better day than I'm going to....
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
I don't think that I am the most caring, loving or sympathetic person; but if anything I am protective and loyal. It's like that song Angel eyes by love and theft. She's got a little bit of DEVIL in those angel eyes. Well I feel like I relate tho this song very well.
Growing up I was in contact with my mother's side of the family, seeing them often. They all saw my father as the rebel out law that he is, Hunting (some legal some not), Tattoos, smoked pot, grew pot, drank, and much more. The day I turned 20 years old I went to a tattoo shop with my boyfriend at the time and got my very first tattoo. I was already the black sheep of the family so what could it hurt right. My tattoo was in memory of my mother, go figure they all loved it. Since then I have gotten more tattoos, and get looked down upon more then ever. The only problem is I really don't care what they think of me, not that that is a problem in my eyes. I'm just not girly enough for them. I would go ahead and tell you I suppose I know why but I don't need to.... I actually know why. I'm a tomboy always have been and always will be. I hunt, fish, love to get in some mud and go mudding, I don't wear my hair down or makeup every day, and I don't mind getting dirty or swearing like a pirate. I am who I am, I wont let any of them change me; I'm not going to wear girly clothes all the time.... I see nothing wrong with jeans and a t. I find it ridiculous that you need to look like a "proper" woman ALL THE TIME!!!! All I have to say for myself is I am my father's child. I have his attitude and act just like him in a lot of ways.
I get lectured about my tattoo's all the time from family but that is not going to stop me from getting more. I'm hoping this weekend I can make it down to my tattoo guy's shop to have him look at a drawing and fix it up for me. Soon I will have my 5th tattoo, I hope to have it by the end of summer.
So just to throw in a little blurb about yesterday. I was told at work that I must choose working full time there or walking out the door. This is all after they told me that they were considering my position for part time and I had gone out and found another part time job. Being completely frustrated with my job I thought about just walking then and there. But of course I'm one of those people who have a head on their shoulder and know that bills need to be paid and I cannot live off a part time job. I just got a Jeep, and a Camper and those need to come first.... simply because I love jeeps and camping and I don't want to ruin my credit or have my "toys" taken away from me.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Well the night started off a little wacky, I took jep to the vets, and he was a complete mainic. He wouldn't listen at all and was completely rediculous while in the vets office. It was just the trip from hell.
Speeking of hell; I feel as though my relationship is going to hell. Tonight my boyfriend tells me he keeps his mouth shut so that I don't get mad due to my short temper. Of course this pisses me off because it makes me wonder what I've done to make him mad that he has neglected to tell me. Its so frusterating being in a relationship and not talking to one another. I mean arnt you suppose to talk about these things in a relationship. Not necessarily being an ass hole about it but at least telling one another when something is bothering.
Then he tells me he kept his mouth shut over the weekend. I thought we had one of the best weekends ever but I guess I was wrong. Then I asked what he ment by that and it turned into a very silent vehicle ride home.
Why is it that relationships are so hard. Apparently loving one another means nothing if you cannot get along. I loathe feeling like I did when I was a child, usless and non existent. Feeling insignificant is extremely irritating.
Now that, that is out of my system I think its time for bed.
After I arrived at my grandparents in the morning I just got so down. My grandfather is not doing well and seeing him like this doesn't feel very good. Regardless of my feelings I fixed his pant legs like I have begun doing every morning. Once he was ready to head out for the day my grandmother and I helped him to his truck, making sure he had what he needed. Lunchbox, notebook, ext. He is a very strong man, almost 80 years old and still working 7 days a week. Its probably time for him to slow down a bit but mentioning that to him is like talking to a brick wall..... you will get no where. After he left I chit chatted with my grandmother for a bit talking about jobs and my lack of interest in a job that seems to be becoming a nuance. Soon I should be starting my job with the Postal service.... it truly cannot come soon enough. All of a sudden thing's at work have gotten strange. My boss is acting differently towards me, some of the "higher up's", it has just gotten a little to awkward for my liking.
Work is no easy task today, after arriving, I started working on inventory in shipping.... being that my job is computers this was definitely a nice chance of scenery. Although frustrated I hung in there trying to find the parts that were NOT! in there designated places. I finished only to find out that most of the parts I was looking for were no value and wasted my time looking for them. Welcome to the world of frustration! After finally getting back to my office my phone is ringing, after seeing who was calling me I did NOT want to answer the phone but being the only IT person in the building today I was obligated to. Someone once again forgot their e-mail pass word. You use it every freaking day and cant remember it.... seriously right the damn thing down!!! After revealing to the co- worker what their password was, I got off the phone. Of course there was yet AGAIN another problem, so they call me immediately back. I answer their next problem with ease and again we hang up. Mean while I am trying to talk to another co worker answering their question when my phone rings for a third time. By now I am fed up with the first co-worker so I have a little irritation in my voice. I quickly get her off the phone and go over to just fix the problem so the phone calls will come to a screeching hault.... I hope.
Enough about the day lets move on to bigger issues. It is as if my life is in shambles. My boyfriend has just gotten back to work and we are still struggling with bills. This is just ABSURD I have never had this many problems with bills before in my life. I have been seeing a councilor to try and get my anger issues under control with the help of some medication aka (Happy Pills) but the new ones just don't seem to be working. I told my boyfriend last night that the thought of having a child has popped into my mind over the weekend. Knowing he doesn't want a child I wasn't sure how he would take the news. We surprisingly did not argue but simply dropped the subject. Sure it will come up again many times but easing into it may be the best way to hand it, especially due to our financial status. We just got a puppy and he is a handful at the moment, he is a wonderful dog but it seems to be a bit more of a challenge than I remember house breaking him.
My day is not over yet but that is all I have to say for now.